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Learning how to listen to others and especially
to yourself is one of the most important skills
we can attain for a healthy emotional life. Here
are ways to practice this skill, one on one and
in a group setting.
1. One on one
Establish an agreement with someone that you will
listen to them, or that they will listen to you.
Choose someone you trust for this. Set up a contract
with each other. Agree, for example, how long you'll
take, what you want the listener to do, where you
want to be; any rules that will help you both to
be clear about what is going to happen and to feel
comfortable with it.
The listener needs to help the talker to identify
the issue.
There may be many issues. The trick is to discover
which is the most important, or underlying one.
The listener asks questions that help both of you
to understand what is being said. This can be quite
difficult and also fun; something like putting together
the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, or together working
out the answer to a cryptic crossword clue. It becomes
even more fascinating when you not only hear the
words but are also aware of the body-language and
other clues given out.
The listener makes a summary of the essence of what
has been presented. You'll note by now that the
listener is being very active in the process, while
never giving his or her own views or advice. The
summary is akin to giving the talker back a gift
of the essential nature of what has been presented.
When the talker has accepted the summary, or changed
it so that you both have a clear understanding of
the issue as it stands now (it will have changed
by this time), the listener asks what's next in
terms of action.
It likely won't be very successful the first time.
Practice this many times so that you finally get
it right!
2. In a group setting
Try this in your family, your work team or with
a group of like-minded friends.
One person talks about something that is important
to him or her right now.
The others in the group listen, asking questions
only to help clarify what is being said.
Everyone in the group, except for the presenter,
writes down a summary of what they have heard -
its essence. They then each read this back.
The presenter then writes down his or her own summary
and reads it back.
The rest of the group then writes down the action
they would take and reads it back.
The presenter writes down his or her own action
and reads it out.
Finally everyone discusses the process and the impact
on them of what has occurred.
This takes practice to get it right, but it's well
worth it for everyone's emotional fitness and the
action that ensues.
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