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The San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California,
is a popular weekend retreat for the idle rich and
famous actors, writers, and producers who love to
drink downstairs at the Plow and Angel Bar before
they go upstairs for a scrumptious dinner at the
restaurant. Locals love the food so much it’s
hard for guests at the Ranch to get a table. Originally
owned by British-born actor Ronald Colman who starred
in such film classics as The Light that Failed,
the San Ysidro Ranch is nestled in the Santa Ynez
Mountains two miles from the Pacific Ocean and 100
miles north of Los Angeles. The ranch is idyllic
for writing. It was restored in 1976 by Jim Lavenson,
former president of the Plaza Hotel in New York,
and his peripatetic wife, pistol-ball Susie. I found
this gem in 1978 when I sold actor John Travolta
a 35-acre Spanish-land-grant estate abutting Ronald
Reagan’s property near Gaviota Beach. I babysat
the transaction at the San Ysidro Ranch. I also
wrote a motion picture there, a reincarnation love
story entitled The World Is Waiting.
The Vedanta Society maintains the Sarada Convent
on Montecito’s Ladera Lane and a monastery
a few miles from the Ranch. There, I worship in
the temple, visit with the nuns over lunch, and
counsel with Swami Swahananda.
I arrived at the ranch on a Saturday afternoon
and settled into my favorite cottage, Outlook III,
where Somerset Maugham wrote The Razor’s
Edge.
I took a walk through the gardens with a mineral
water in one hand and my tape recorder in the other.
Hiking higher into the hills, I lay down on my favorite
rock overlooking the swimming pool and turned on
the tape recorder and sat it next to my head. I
wanted to record to remember what I heard.
Balmy breezes blew in from the ocean as I sank
deeper and deeper into that peaceful place where
I communicate with Paul.
The message and the messenger will become the
same.
Lesson 1:
The Ego Is Not the Enemy
In my own understanding of the word, the ego was
how I interacted with the world to satisfy my own
desires. Sometimes my ego served me well. It helped
me make my way in the world in a fair and conscientious
manner. But for most of my adult life my ego had
gotten way out of control. And those were the times
I had gotten into trouble, big trouble.
I have always been a fan of Joseph Campbell, a
transpersonal psychologist and author, whose thinking
was very influenced by the theories of Freud and
Jung. Joseph Campbell had touched on the subject
of ego in his mythological version of how the Earth
was created. In The Power of Myth, Campbell describes
the rebellion of Lucifer and his minions, how they
left paradise and set up camp on Earth, which God
had set aside for these outcasts. To stay in the
Order of Lucifer, fallen angels took a vow never
to say the name of God. Campbell contended that
all of us are fallen angels, separated from God
by lawless egos, and that our redemption can only
come by speaking to God directly and learning to
make better choices.
Looking back at my own life, I had to admit that
despite all of my conventional religious training
I never really felt connected to God. Quite the
opposite. Ever since I was a little boy, I often
felt lonely and afraid. If I had to be honest with
myself, I’d admit fear was the primary emotion
that drove me. Much like Edgar Bergen’s dummy,
Charlie McCarthy, I had been doing what my ego drove
me to do out of some misguided idea that this would
bring peace and control. In the absence of true
spirituality, my ego had taken charge of me, helping
to create a life of illusion and deception woven
around addictions. The authentic me, the child of
God, had been pushed to the background.
This was an interesting paradox to me. A healthy
ego is important not only to survive but also to
flourish in the world, but it can sabotage. I understood
I needed to rein my ego in, but how? And then it
dawned on me; like two kids whose ankles are tied
together in a foot race, my ego and I must cooperate,
work together to find a balance. As this thought
crossed my mind, I remembered a verse I had learned
as a boy at church, “Out of the depths I cry
to thee, Lord hear my prayer, let thine ears be
attended to the voice of thy supplicant.”
I would cry out and then I would listen. And what
I would hear would guide me.
The ego is not an evil entity to be destroyed or
avoided but a valuable aspect of us that needs to
be reeducated. Unconscious and without boundaries,
the ego is the part of our self that mediates between
the world and our natural human appetites for food,
love, self-esteem, sexual gratification, intellectual
stimulation, and companionship. Problems for many
of us arise because the ego, while on a worthy mission,
has no sense of proportion. It has a tendency to
say things like, “You want a cookie? How about
a whole box? Why stop at one glass of wine when
you can drink every drop you can get your hands
on?” Unleavened by our higher nature, ego
lacks the moral and spiritual forces that add balance
and proportion to our lives. Ego on its own will
not acknowledge itself as part of the larger whole,
which demands fairness, sharing, balance, harmony,
and community.
The idea that the ego is a sinister part of us
has been enhanced by many religions, which make
self-annihilation the goal of spiritual growth and
unfoldment. The path of self-annihilation may work
for those who intend to live their lives sheltered
from everyday realities, in the confines of ashrams
or monasteries, but for the rest of us, nothing
could be more impractical.
We are trying to make our way in the material world
and still be spiritual beings.
How can we accomplish this?
The answer is with an ego that exists in proportion
to a healthy conscience. The first techniques I
suggest to bring your ego into balance are visualization
and dialogue. They help to reach a part of you that
has been hidden from you for much of your life.
While you have been out in the open and held accountable
for your actions, your ego has been in hiding. Although
your ego has been at the bottom of the things you’ve
done, it has not been held accountable, because
to everyone but you it is silent and invisible.
I encourage clients to conceptualize the ego not
only as shadow but also as a twin self. The thoughts
and actions of both you and your ego create all
of your negative and positive qualities.
First close your eyes. See yourself opening your
arms as you would to greet a friend. Now, embrace
your ego, the mischief-maker who is stirring up
all the trouble in your life. You may see your ego
as all your defects and uncontrolled appetites rolled
into one. After your embrace, step apart and ask
ego to sit down. Just as if he were an actual person,
talk with him. Let him know that you are not absolving
yourself for your difficulties, and you need him
to face your character defects with you.
The talk might go something like this:
- You: “We’re in a mess, you
and I. What’s going on?”
- Ego: “I didn’t get what I
wanted. I wanted to do what I wanted to do when
I wanted to do it. No controls. No limits. I encouraged
you to eat and drink and buy what you wanted, go
where you wanted, and not have to pay for a thing.
I even showed you how to treat others so they would
know who was boss. What’s the problem?”
- You: “The problem is obvious. Each
person needs to live in balance and in sanity, so
they can hear God’s voice when He speaks.
You’re not mentioning how afraid I became
because of you, not to mention the hundreds of shameful
things we did together. Moving in the middle of
the night to avoid creditors or always having to
make new friends because we drove the ones we had
away.”
- Ego: “You weren’t happy with
the way things were, were you?”
- You: “First, we are going to believe
it’s possible to change. No situation is hopeless
unless we adopt a pessimistic outlook or decide
to become a permanent victim. Second, God will help
us if we ask Him to. The universe is good and He
is our source. We’ve been hoodwinking ourselves
all our lives and now it is time to take our spirit
back.”
- Ego: “What if I don’t like
living the way you are suggesting?”
- You: “God will refund your misery.”
- Ego: “Him? How do you know He will
want me back?”
- You: “Ego, if He’s taken
me, he’ll take you.”
- Ego: “I’m afraid that just
saying His name will kill me.”
- You: “I’ll help you. Let’s
start by spelling it. Here we go together.”
- You and Ego: “G-O-D. God.”
This dialogue bears the hallmarks of a healthy
conversation with the ego. First, it’s friendly.
We don’t get anywhere by beating ourselves
up. The process of transformation begins with self-acceptance.
Second, it’s effective. Some people believe
it takes forever to get back into God’s graces.
However, it is amazing how quickly things begin
to turn around when you feel that your ego and you
are aligned in purpose. My clients have testified
to this fact. One client recently commented, “I
never had a clue that somebody with my checkered
past could feel so free once I stopped blaming my
ego and cleaned up my act.”
Finally, this sample dialogue between self and
ego is transformative. Once there is a true coming
to terms with the ego, many people experience a
breakthrough. Coming to honest terms with self is
the first step in the spiritual experience, just
as the caterpillar must spend time in a cocoon before
becoming a butterfly. When you confront your ego,
you can have a happier, freer life.
The ego is not our enemy. The ego is our strongest
ally. But it must go through a psychic change. There
is a powerful transcendence that happens when the
ego confesses to how it has misled us.
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